Thursday, February 4, 2010

Memory Lane...

I've been a little busy this week. We've had Max's regular therapies, including an extra long Speech therapy this week, trying to get his new talker set up. In between therapies, and returned phone calls from doctors (finally!!), I've been working on a little project with my friend, Lilia.

She has asked me to be a contributing blogger on her new site GenerationZii. What is Generation Zii?

Generation Zii is meant to be a site where anyone with an interest in our youngest children today get a glimpse into what issues they are facing, what events and cultural realities are at the forefront in their formative years, what distinguishes them from their predecessors and obviously highlights the impact of technology in their lives.

For my first post, I wrote about how the iPod played such a big role in our first year of Max's life. You can read the post here.

But the main thing I wanted to share here, was this photo I used for the post...

This is me holding baby almost 5 months old. He had been through nearly a month of being in the PICU, a medicine induced coma, continuous EEG monitoring, a muscle biopsy, two diagnosis of life limiting disorders, intubation twice, and two brain surgeries. And this was the first time in that month, I got to hold him.

Steve and I had been out to lunch, and when we came in, his nurse was holding him, without being attached to anything. I remember I walked into the room and said, "give him to me...please give him to me.". She said she wanted to wait for me to hold him, but it had been a month since anyone had been able to, so she scooped him up. I loved her then, forever, for loving my Max.

This may go down in our books as my favorite photo with him. Because I remember the feeling of holding him, and thinking, it was like holding him for the first time, all over again.

This new baby I was holding, was the same baby I held a month before, and when he was born. But it was different. This new Max had new terms attached to him. Medical disorders that would alter the way we lived from now on. He had part of his baby brain missing now. And a huge scar to prove it.

But in this picture, I can see and still feel that moment. That moment of thinking, I don't care how different you are are still my baby...and I am so so glad you are still here for me to hold.


Maria. said...

Hey Deana - I LOVE the picture and your writing. I so know the feeling when I haven't hold Jacob for a long time in the PICU, and they finally let me hold him. It's such a special moment each time. He will always be my strong, brave little guy that I have to hug!

- Maria.

t said...

what can i say deana, nothing that i havent said before.
God couldnt be everywhere, so he made mothers.
pure love. divine.
love you and honored to know you.

Deana said...

Thanks Maria...we've since had a few of those times in the PICU too. Each time is so special. Even when he's just hooked up to IV's and monitors I climb up in his bed and try to hold him still. They should give us bigger beds!!!

Vijay, love you too my friend. The feeling is mutual!

HeatherS said...


Helen said...

Deana, Mothers Love is just so hard, and deep powerful indeed, Love you my friend it’s a lovely picture and your words brought me to tears, maybe I am still new to motherhood and the feeling is still so overwhelming, I don’t know !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rieshy said...

Beautiful picture!

Have you seen the book "The Brain That Changes Itself"? It's not a self-help book but kind of a living room scientist's explanation of neuro-plasticity. It is a very hopeful book for anyone whose had any sort of episode that might have affected cognitive ability.

Also- I've been reading your blog backwards- Congratulations on the crawling!!

Deana said...

Heather, thank you.

Zainab, I think any mother feels that way...I still have tears when i read about other's children, whether they are healthy or not. We just immediately think of our own children in that situation.

Susan, I have not heard of that book, I will look it up!